The blog with no title

I am having a really hard time writing this blog because I equal parts want to share everything with you all that has been happening to me and don’t know how to express it in a way that makes me feel good or vindicated. This is neither a fun nor happy blog post, nor is it a situation that I feel I have any control over. I have been having a hard time figuring out the tone and the content that I wish to share. I want to be thorough but I am finding that hard to do that in a way that is without bitterness and resentment.

Without being melodramatic, I am going through a period of loss right now: loss for words, loss of any semblance of sense, and a loss community.   I am reading Amy Poehler’s book and she says "Any painful experience will make you look at things differently" and I find myself fighting demons that threaten to taint the memories of an amazing past 16 months of my life. These past few weeks have been an extremely sad, painful and mind-boggling. On March 27, I got a call from Peace Corps, very unexpectedly, that I was being medically separated from my service. Meaning that I would not be allowed to return to Morocco to finish my service.

If you are someone who knows me, you may understand how deeply and truly devastating this news was received. This devastation was only expounded by the vague and misused information in which Peace Corps used to justify this decision. 

Peace Corps as an organization often reminds us that we have to accept certain aspects of our community… i.e. that we cannot change everything about our host country. For volunteers in Morocco, this comes in the form of dealing with a heavy amount of sexual harassment and unwanted attention or even worse. For me, this has come in forms such as: men stalking me, men publically masturbating at me, sexual propositions, a home break-in attempt, a threat to my life, two separate sexual assaults…

Peace Corps as an organization also tells us that we need to advocate for ourselves. I am told that I need to accept these acts against me as things that will not change, but I did want, and still do want, to advocate for a change in the way that Peace Corps deals with these acts with systemic policy changes. Mental health policies and victim blaming attitudes within Peace Corps should change. Period.

I have expressed this sentiment to Peace Corps Washington DC and in a sexual harassment focus group last winter.

My experiences that I have shared and suggestions that I have made have, sadly, not been received well. Someone with a relatively high-up position within OMS responded to me when I told him of a naked, masturbating man following me that perhaps it was a “sign of his romantic interest” in me. **Oh you’re right, I should be so flattered** (bitterness coming out). It seems that things that I said in this confidential focus group are being used as grounds for my medical separation because they feel “concerned about my wellbeing.” Concerned, or uncomfortable by my honesty?

I am a strong volunteer, and I am happy with my life in Peace Corps. After getting a site change in early Fall last year because of an unsafe site, I felt so at home in my new community. Within a few months I had already created such a healthy, positive network in site--- both with my work and with the community. I did not even get to say good-bye to any of these people who have done so much for me. For that, I feel so much resent and sadness.

There are so many details about this decision and process that are flat out lies or were used out of context and the unfortunate part is that none of it is something that I can swallow because none of it makes any sense. I have no medical condition.

Staff members in DC have told me that I seem “unable to adjust to my host country” which infuriates me in so many ways, most of all because it is being said by people who don’t know me at all. They are just reading from a list of crimes that have been committed against me and blaming me for them in the actions they are taking.

I have been absolutely amazed, touched to tears, drowned in, feel so undeserving of, (the list goes on and on) the support and love that I have received from those of you that I have told this information to. So many people have reached out to the Country Director or other people on my behalf and for that I just feel so grateful to my Peace Corps family. You all mean so much to me in the most sappy and cheesy way that I can express.

You are all welcome to visit me in Germany because, so bizarrely, I find myself applying for grad school now a year or two earlier than I expected.

For those of you wanting to know more, I am not ashamed or embarrassed to share more details and would love to send anyone more information.

As of yesterday, April 27^th,  I have been told that my appeal was not accepted and that I will not be returning to Morocco.